KACEY VANDERKARR SAYS DON'T SWEAT THOSE BAD REVIEWS: A REPORT FROM A FUGITIVE.

Some writers are robots. (Bzzzt, whirrr, click, pay no attention to that machine behind the curtain, whirrrrrrr.) Other writers are human.

   Kacey Vanderkarr is from Michigan.

   There's a long-running debate in Michigan about the level of humanity displayed in those from the Lower Peninsula (serial killers) and the Upper Peninsula (replicants), but that's a matter for some other century.

   Kacey is publishing a book. Reflection Pond. Amazon. Check it out. She's human. And she's here to talk about what it's like to be human, and a writer, and all that drama.

   Books. In writing those, we gather ingredients. We throw stuff into our fiction and bake a cake. When it's ready, we serve it. In slices. To loads of people.

   Some decline cake. Others snap it up. A few don't like the taste. Someone drops a slice and it's gone. A few want the recipe so they can bake a cake themselves.

   There's always some kid who spews it back in your face.

   People like the cake. A few think it is wicked and disgusting and they really shouldn't and could they have another slice...
   To some it's heavy. Others find it too sweet. One maniac says it's not sweet enough.

   There are smiles and frowns and puffed cheeks. They all have opinions and reactions. How many of them would have the courage to bake a cake themselves, and share it around?

   All that planning, toil, and effort, and it's gone in a few bites. Ah well. On to the next one.

   Here's Kacey...

 

*

 

Does anyone else turn into a mess right around book release time? I swear, Goodreads and Amazon have made us neurotic. I’m always on Goodreads, hands trembling, waiting to see what awful thing has been said about my work now. Then my stomach is in knots because *GASP* not EVERYONE LOVES ME? WHAT IS THIS??

 

 

   But I’m here to tell you—you don’t need to stress over those bad reviews.

   Let me tell you why.

   First of all, you wrote a book. And not only did you write it, you edited it (hopefully), and published it. How many people do you know who’ve said, “I’ve always wanted to write a book,” but they never have? Dozens, probably, maybe more. You wrote a book. You are a hero. You look at your book and be proud of what you’ve accomplished.

   LOOK AT IT!

 

   Secondly, writing is learning experience, not an exact science. Let’s compare it to school. We start out in kindergarten, not knowing all that much. But we’ve got people to help us. We’ve got teachers and parents and our community.

   By the time we’re seniors in high school, we think we have this whole school thing figured out, only to find ourselves in college with no idea what the hell we’re doing.

   Being a writer isn’t all that different. We all start out at the beginning, but we learn and we grow. Maybe your first book wasn’t a bestseller, that’s okay.

   You’re learning. You’re making mistakes, but more importantly, you’re learning how to correct them. (And remember college? We may have a degree, but sometimes we still don’t know what the hell is happening!)

 

   Truth is, you can’t undo that book you published. Maybe if you self-published, you can edit again, change the cover, try to garner some better reviews, and you SHOULD, especially if the book was unedited.

   (Please don’t publish unedited work. There’s nothing worse.)

   But if you’ve grown as a writer, if you’ve learned from the books you’ve published, then you have nothing to stress over. I know. It’s art.

   It’s so hard to put something out there only to have people tear it apart. But the past is in the past, and that book, it’s now a part of your past. You’re not the same writer you were when you faced that first blank page. You’re not even the same person.

 

   Did you learn something about grammar?

   Did you learn how to foreshadow?

   Did you learn how to subtly nuance a character’s personality?

   Did you learn not to split infinitives?

   If you learned, then you are doing it right.

 

   There will always be people who don’t like your work, and that’s okay. It’s hard to accept, but it’s okay. When you sit down at your computer to write, are you thinking about those people who don’t like your work?

   No. You’re thinking about how great it is to write. How it feels to accomplish something.

   You’re remembering that fluttering in your stomach when you reach that really important scene.

 

 

   You’re finding your release. And maybe, just maybe, you’re a little scared, because you’re really putting yourself out there this time.

   You’re really taking chances.

   You’re writing about something that matters to YOU.

   So let those bad reviews roll off your back and keep going, soldier. There’s still books inside of you and many more lessons to learn.

  

*  

 

That's Kacey. I'll add a few points. First, I had to format her original blog post to fit into Blogger. WordPress and Blogger live on the same street. In different counties.

   This prompted a thought. The one thing that's worse than releasing unedited work is releasing unformatted work. Recently I stared at a book on Amazon that was formatted as a single paragraph.

   Ouch.

   I felt for the reader, not the writer. This is the age of LOOK INSIDE! We can all see that one-paragraph book. And we can all choose not to read it.

   What else? Kacey's right. Writing is like the first day of school, every day. There's always one more thing to do. Part of the fun. Kacey is American, and Americans have loads of problems with the split infinitive...
   That's true of non-Americans, but there's an unprinted non-existent addition to the Constitution that sends Americans into fits over episodes of STAR TREK.

   Split infinitives are like cream doughnuts. You can have one now and again, but a constant diet of those in your writing will kill you.

   Starving your work entirely of the split infinitive may lead to unfortunate consequences. On occasion, the split infinitive preserves the intended meaning of your work.

   I should add that nothing infinitive is split in the split infinitive. It is a misleading term. We call the damn thing that so we can recognise it when Captain Kirk says to boldly go rather than to go boldly. Better, perhaps, just to go, if it worries you overmuch.

   Splitting infinitively carries the potential to wildly entangle your sentence. For that reason alone, you may wish to aim for something simpler.

   The frothing rage some people get into over the (badly-named) split infinitive stems from the withering news that Latin is dead. A bogus argument encased in the fraying shroud of a once-living language will avail ye little.

   Write as clearly as you can.

   As for grammar...

   Grammar Communists defeated Grammar Nazis in Great Patriotic Grammar War.

   Not in the Great Patriotic Grammar War, for Russian has no word for the - and a Russian saying the phrase in English wouldn't automatically add a non-word for the benefit of an English-speaking audience.

   Perfectly acceptable grammar - to English-speaking Russian. If you must use the term Grammar Nazis, try to avoid adding a needless apostrophe.

   Grammar is local. I think nothing of adding but to the end of certain sentences, given where I'm from. And that's right and proper, for this part of the world.

   A few think it is wicked and disgusting and they really shouldn't and could they have another slice...
   That sentence could do with the odd comma, but even a single comma robs the image of the atmosphere I intended. Rules are there. Sometimes they are here and there.

   In looking over Kacey's book, Reflection Pond, I queried an American usage and she queried my Scottish version. When a phrase crosses the Cold Atlantic, it may look odd on landing. That stands true whether the airfield is to the East or the West.

   Both of us looked at something that was decidedly off. And both of us were right, based on where we were coming from. That amused us, greatly.

   You know what? We learned something. Writers do that, every day.
   Reflection Pond is sailing along the Mighty Amazon. That's a plug. ;)

 

 

  

  

   

UNPUBLISHED BLOG POSTS: A REPORT FROM A FUGITIVE.

Time to say a few words about failed blog posts. The ones that fall apart, and never see the light of day. (Still, there's always recycling.)
   It's not that I can't find something to talk about. Just...
   The words fall apart, and you know enough about writing to know when to walk away. Or limp, if you must stagger and bleed at the same time.
   One of my first abandoned blog posts related to a famous writer. He published a book that had a poor reception. And I was going to cover a few points from a certain angle.
   When I did further research, I discovered the uncertainty of the angle. Standing on the edge of the cliff, I wisely withdrew to safer ground.
   Yes, facts stand in the way of a good blog post.
   More recently, I felt I had a few words to say on the tired non-story of digital publishing being likened to a gold rush. While there are facets of digital publishing which resemble aspects of a gold rush, self-publishing e-books is nothing like panning for gold.
   Gold is a commodity. Same goes for oil. Wheat.
   Not the book. A novel isn't a commodity. Even though you may argue contrary to that view.

*

Anyway, I let it go. If my vast readership demands a blog post on the subject, I'll attempt to recycle the piece.
   Then I felt like chatting on the business of stories. The perception of stories by readers who believe the writer has made a mistake in plotting and/or characterisation...
   My starting-point for that chat was the work of C.S. Lewis. Specifically, I looked at Narnia and the revelation in the last book - the character Susan was no longer a believer in that world.
   Many fans think Lewis made a mistake there, in characterisation and incident. (I believe Lewis knew what he was doing. He gave us something a little more memorable, on the way out.)
   This was another blog post that slipped away from me. Facts destroy your argument. Or you demolish a point and somehow there's nothing left to say after demolition - leaving a sense that the point is only half-explained.
   In writing, have the sense to crawl from the wreckage. Some things are not meant to be. You only have to watch movies, to realise that.
   There are blog posts you don't want to write. Obituaries. (Been there, done that.) This blog is about writing, so I don't cover world-shattering events - much as I'd like to, and much as I should, I never set the blog up to be a horse of that colour.
   This blog post is about the blog posts I didn't publish. I've kept it short, to avoid shameless padding. Shameful padding is also right out.
   Yes, we must publish. But we mustn't publish utter crap. Basic crap is also right out. Superior crap is still crap. Superlative crap - I'm lost for words.
   Shit.

SHORT STORY BY KACEY VANDERKARR TO DEBUT IN MAGAZINE: A REPORT FROM A FUGITIVE.

Using Twitter feels like broadcasting on radio. Blogger is my own miniature newspaper empire. In both cases, throwing the message out there has a sense of the post-apocalyptic to it.
   I'm keeping the word alive, in a world of zombies. Scavenging for food takes up my time. But scavenging for the written word is as precious a pursuit as collecting water, say...
   And so, with further ado, I present the cover to a literary magazine which features a story by Michigan's very own Kacey Vanderkarr.
   Except...it's been a wee while since I had any coffee. Which is why I typed this...
   And so, with further ado, I present the cover to a literary magazine which features a story by Kacey Vanderkarr's very own Michigan.
   It's true. Kacey has adopted the Wolverine State and is now feeding it in exchange for fiction. I'm thinking of adopting a territory. Mostly for tax-purposes.
   Let's have some blurb for Sucker Literary magazine. The third volume is available from the 15th of April. Click the cover photo for a link to the publisher.
 

*

 

Bullied and alone, Ainsley seeks refuge in the arms of a strange boy.

   Time is slipping away for overachieving Sadie Lin, but reigniting an old flame might help.
   Scarred by a pressuring ex, Alexandra finally faces the rain.
   “Pasty and chubby” Charlotte makes a public play for the “Tan and Smooth” king.
   The beautiful girl in the black, lacy push-up bra says that it’s time for Brenn to stop lying . . . at least to herself.
   A halfway house is no home for Dawn—or is it?
   How will Dana survive knowing everyone at school thinks she’s a monster, when they just may be right?
   JJ and her crush finally get a moment alone—at his girlfriend’s hottest party of the year.
   Sixteen-year old Sarah prepares for her first day of school by chaining up her Mamí in her bedroom.
   Alyssa’s life is a well-rehearsed ballet until a tragedy sends her hurtling towards a fall.
   Loving a boy is as simple as chemistry . . . unless that boy is an unstable element.

 
Featuring...
   The H8TE by Lilliam Rivera.
   Valentine’s Day by Claudia Classon.
   Halfway From by Shelli Cornelison.

   Her Tree Boy Blaze by Lina Branter.

   How To Fall by Kacey Vanderkarr.

   If it Rains by Kristina Wojtaszek.

   Black Lacy by Kimberly Kreines.

   Superpower by Mary Malhotra.

   The Chemistry of You and Me by Evelyn Ehrlich.

   Just a Matter of Time by Charity Tahmaseb.

   A Different Kind of Cute by Hannah R. Goodman.

 
 

TWITTER CAUSED MY AMAZON E-BOOK TO SELL OUT. ABUSE OF TWITTER BY AUTHORS: A REPORT FROM A FUGITIVE.

Time to talk about authors using Twitter. I have no friendly advice for you. Other blog post titles were available.
   TWITTER YE NOT.
   GET YOUR TWITTERS OUT.
   The less said about those the better. (And you, madam. Nay, I say unto ye. Thrice nay. Etc.)
   Twitter is a micro-blogging site, limiting users to messages of no more than 140 characters. Reach the world. Here's how to use Twitter if you are an author...
   (There will be swearing.)

*

1. Don't use 140 characters to plug your work in the manner of a B-52 carpet-bombing vast tracts of land.
   BUY MY BOOK.
   HEY, BUY MY BOOK.
   PLEASE BUY MY BOOK.
   BUY MY BOOK OR THE KITTEN GETS IT.
   (Okay, you are allowed to do that last one. Twice. Never on the same day. Unless using a photo of a tiger.)

2. For fuck's sake don't constantly tell me you are a bestselling Kindle author. I'm a bestselling Kindle author. Secret of my success? I held a sale. The book was free. It roared to the upper reaches of the steampunk charts when no one was purchasing anything else.
   On the back of a few money-free sales in a niche market, conducted at a heathenish hour of the night, Amazon upgraded me to bestseller status.
   So don't constantly tell me you are a bestselling Kindle author. Quit that shit. Remove it from your evil plan. Have a better evil plan.

3. Do not engineer your Twitter site to read ZERO. No followers. Hasn't sent a single message yet. No one following. And you call yourself an author in the profile.
   I'd rather vomit breakfast than deal with your strange drama. And I don't eat breakfast.

4. See point 3.

5. If you must automate your messages with all the subtlety of a clown throwing napalm on a barbecue, get the fuck off Twitter. You've missed the fucking point. And I am here to tell you that you've missed the fucking point.
   I've toned the fucking swearing down for this blog.
   You might as well automate your entire life and pay robots to inject you with a coffee-substitute made from the tears of endangered creatures. Fuck, no!
   (Pay your robots in cogs and gears.)
   I understand the convenience of automation. These days, I blog a week or two ahead. Blogger sends my posts into the wilds around midnight-thirty on a Sunday morn. (Caledonian time.)
   And so I must comprehend the convenience of automated Tweetery. This has its place. Not at a barbecue. And certainly not spread like a batch of napalm at said barbecue.
   Carpet-bombing your needy book-flogging Tweets is bad enough. Don't magnify the problem by means of saturation automation. Remind the world, and yourself, that you are human.

6. Do not use the TrueTwit Validation service. What is that? It's a service you should not use. CHLAMYDIA. You don't want CHLAMYDIA.

7. Be yourself. Even if you are a grumpy fucker. Some people say don't swear on Twitter. Is that good advice? Fuck knows.

8. Embrace banality. Twitter, for authors, isn't about carpet-bombing the great and glorious news that we're invited to like your page on Facebook.
   (Do not get me started on the topic of Facebook. HERE'S A BLOG POST ABOUT THAT.)
   Banality is vital. Having a coffee? Tell the world. What? That's beneath you? Embrace banality. My Twitter feed contains notes on the time that dinosaur passed my window. I was drinking coffee, as I recall.

9. See point 3.

10. Mention your work. Yes, I still plug my books on Twitter. I also plug books by other writers. Someone puts up a photo of a landscape, hell, I'll Tweet that.
   If someone puts up a painting of Hell, hell, I'll Tweet that too. Mention your work. Don't just mention your work and yours alone.

11. Use Manage Flitter to tidy your followers. By that, I mean execute a few at dawn. Don't be obsessed by statistics. I'll Tweet a message generated by the service, but I'll tailor it. Because I can.
   It's hard to throw in a witty aside using the eight characters you're left with after the service is done advertising itself. But hard is not impossible.
   I follow 55 people who do not Tweet in Klingon.
   Or...
   I follow 928 chatty bastards who Tweet more than 5 times/day.
   Manage Flitter is but one example. Hunt around for free Twitter-based services that help manage the Twitterverse.

12. Yes, Twitter is banal. And you may remove the letter b from that last sentence.
   Twitter is also funny. Don't lose your sense of humour in there. Regain it.

13. If you want to start a war with someone, go within shooting distance. Twitter is not the place for that. There is no armistice in a Twitter war.
   I've seen people get that way over reviews. You are an author. It's your job to write stories. Having a lot of free time on your hands and the ability to wage war on Twitter earns you no medals. The same goes for haunting review sites.

14. Did you click the link to read my comment about Facebook? That blog post is on sock puppetry. You can have more than one Twitter account. Personal. Business. Other business. That's okay. Don't wear socks and play out scenes, though.

TWITTER ME: Loving your book.
  
OTHER TWITTER ME: Crawler. But thanks anyway. LOL.

ANOTHER TWITTER ME: Get a life.

TWITTER ME: Someone hasn't a clue.

OTHER TWITTER ME: Hey. We're supposed to be plugging our book.

ANOTHER TWITTER ME: Loving your book.

15. If you are going to plug your book, mention it without endlessly linking to it. Constant links in Tweets may throw you into the spammer category.

16. I said just be yourself. But not if you are a spammer. Change. We don't want or need Rolex, Female Viagra, or non-existent Swiss millions that used to belong to Sani Abacha.

17. Don't judge. (Exception. Spammers. And other exceptions.)

18. Judge.

19. No, don't judge followers who post things you aren't quite into. Yes, judge people with ZERO accounts. (Go back and read the third point.)
   If you are using Twitter to reach an audience, then reach. You will alienate people in being your grumpy fucker self. But you'll find other audiences.
   Those audience-members will not have ZERO accounts.

20. Twitter isn't about writing novels, unless you are writing novels on Twitter. (Good luck with that.)

21. There's a lot of advice out there about using Twitter if you are an author. See what works for you. Don't eat the yellow snow. Or the brown snow. Red snow, I wouldn't recommend. Sickly green snow is right out. That glowing orange snow can't be good for you.

22. A Direct Message that reads people are saying awful things about you, with a link, is an invitation to allow hacking of your account. If I receive a message like that from you, it means your account was hacked. It doesn't mean I'm going to let mine be.

23. See point 3. AND YOU PUT AUTHOR IN YOUR PROFILE. AUTHOR. OF WHAT?! I have books on sale at Amazon. You won't even Tweet.
   Incidentally, how can you follow me if you are showing no followers? Don't answer. I care not. The answer is probably related to spam.
   People in the process of writing books can still call themselves authors, even though unpublished. But people who place AUTHOR in a ZERO-RATED Twitter account deserve (deleted for reasons of taste and decency) - which is just about worth the jail-term.

24. Don't Tweet under unusual circumstances. Drunk, say, or performing brain surgery. Performing drunken brain surgery whilst driving along a beach. That one foolish Tweet might tip you over the edge.

25. Did I mention point 3?

26. I follow back. Three words guaranteed to piss everyone off once they see you follow 101 people, though, mysteriously, you have 10,000 followers yourself.
   Just put FUCKING LIAR in your Twitter profile instead. Save us the bother.

27. Snapshot. I'm staring at my Twitter. Right now, I'm following a whole bunch of people. And there are slightly more people following me than there are being followed by me - to the tune of nearly 200.
   Why? I cut the spam accounts out - but spammer bots aren't quick to cut me out in return. Also, I suspect a few people died and their accounts linger. They follow me for eternity.

28. Category snapshot. There are eight people not following me back. Mostly, those are organisations. Organisations don't traditionally follow everyone back.
   As an author, I can't recommend that attitude. The basic form of audience engagement on Twitter rests on trying to follow a crowd following you. In some digital merry-go-round.
   Don't be obsessed by stats. But try to show willing. Twitter runs restrictions to deflect spammers, so after a wee while you hit a limit...
   If you follow no one and have a million followers, you reached that point by curious paths.

29. Another snapshot. I follow 0 people with no profile picture. If you don't have an image, Twitter shows an egg. I have no problem with that, and I have followed eggs in the past...
   (Usually downhill, at Easter. Uphill, that one time. Let us speak not of this gravity-defying miracle.)
   However, Twitter eggs seem more likely to be spammers or inactive. So I culled the eggs from my Twitter basket for other reasons - nothing to do with the look. Twitter is about the text you send, not the egg. I'm sure I'll follow more eggs at some point.

30. Snapshot. I follow 57 people who don't Tweet in English. Not strictly true - they do Tweet in English. And they are delightful people. They follow me back and they are active. Being active brings me to...

31. Another service snapshot. I follow eighteen people who haven't posted in 30 days. They've stopped using Twitter. Illness or another event took over. Maybe death resulted.
   Of those eighteen, I'd say five are going to stay part of my Twitter no matter what.
   Using Manage Flitter, this is the category in which the ZERO-RATED accounts show up. A point which leads to...

32. Twitter Whoring. Mass-follow people. Click, click, click. Go for it. Don't follow more than your service can handle. Manage Flitter allows up to 300 executions per day.
   I Twitter Whored my way through 300 horrorists one night. Best result I ever had on Twitter. More than half of them followed me back almost immediately. I was stunned.
   Did I build a horror audience? Well, I haven't robot-spammed the poor bastards with book adverts. A few of them spread the word about my books, unbidden. If there's a lesson in this blog post, you just had it handed to you on a silver salver.
   After a week, you hit out with Manage Flitter and uncover the dead. That's when you see ZERO-RATED accounts you never spotted back when you mass-followed the hordes.
   Note that Twitter Whoring followed by unWhoring (?!) followed by more Twitter Whoring...all that shit constitutes spamming behaviour. Twitter might put you in the stocks and throw unexpected items at you until you cool down.

33. Snapshot. I follow 0 spam accounts. New accounts, I discovered, fall into that category because they are new. It takes a canny bit of Tweeting to shift that mild stain.

34. I follow 55 people who are highly influential. Yet I can only name one. I think Twitter is saying size matters.

35. Talkative? I follow loads of talkative people. Quiet? I follow 0 people who don't Tweet.

36. Screw the statistics. Don't get caught up in them. Why mention these snapshots in my blog?
   Try to keep following/followed by numbers close.
   Ditch almost all people not following you back.
   People with no profile picture stand a greater chance of being inactive/spammers. But you never know.
   The people who don't Tweet in English are active followers who do Tweet in English and they are good people - even if Manage Flitter is trying to warn you about them for some reason.
   Ditch almost all inactive people. (On Twitter. Away from Twitter, check for a pulse and use a mirror or piece of glass to detect breathing.)
   My experiment with horror fans worked. The previous experiment, with steampunk fans, was a disaster. I was followed by an army of steampunk fans so averse to the electric internet that most had gaslights on - but no one was home.
   The point being that I am trying to cultivate an audience for my work. If the audience hasn't Tweeted in four years, the audience is dead. A few steampunk fans understand the Difference Engine's Interconnected Network. If you are going to chat to your audience, stir the chairs in the hall. See who died. Don't feel bad about ditching strangers from the Twitter.
   Use a service that detects spam accounts.
   Pay no mind to lists of influential people. Who did or didn't make that list? Matters not. An influential cat-person isn't going to reach me with her message unless she's on a rooftop chatting to Batman.
   Check up on the stats now and again. But don't obsess.

37. Don't send Direct Messages unless you really must. And don't use any service that automates DM.

38. Time to bring up that third point. Worth noting.

39. As a user of Twitter, you are a publisher of statements that could land you in court. THE INTERNET MADE ME DO IT is not a defence in law. If you are sued for libel or defamation, it'll be in the harshest court the litigant can lay hands to. (Governments are trying to stamp out libel tourism.)

40. Never say on Twitter something you aren't prepared to say face to fucking face. (Goes for Blogger, too.)

Stay safe. But live dangerously.

*

This blog's title was brought to you by the Twitter. I was using the service to say that I couldn't be bothered carpet-bombing people with Tweets about my books...
   It was easier to mention other things. This led to talk of a fictional work of mine. I responded...

Your Tweet crashed Amazon and my cheese and pepper book sold out. That's hard to do when it's an e-book.

I'll have to reprint an e-book now. Awkward.

   And that, O Best Beloved, is how to take to Twitter if you are an author - with a hefty bag of salt.

*

(Pictured, a few of my messages favourited by Kacey Vanderkarr - with some corresponding messages beneath. Do try this at home, folks.)
   

KACEY VANDERKARR AND REFLECTION POND: A REPORT FROM A FUGITIVE.

You've had the excerpt. The horses were shielded from the shocking glimpse of ankle. Time for the legs and associated body.

Reflection Pond by Kacey Vanderkarr. Released at the start of April by Urban Fey Press.

*

Sometimes you find home, sometimes it comes looking for you. Callie knows a lot more about pain than she does about family. She’s never belonged, at least, not until she falls through a portal into her true home.

   The beautiful faerie city of Eirensae doesn’t come free. Callie must find her amulet and bind herself to the city, and most importantly, avoid the Fallen fae who seek her life. Seems like a small price to pay for the family she’s always wanted.

   Then she meets cynical and gorgeous Rowan, who reads the darkness of her past in her eyes. He becomes Callie’s part-time protector and full-time pain in the ass. He has secrets of his own for Callie to unravel.

   What they don’t know is that the future of Eirensae lies with them, and the once peaceful city is about to become a battleground for power.

*

Other people will plug this on their blogs. They'll reprint the bio. You'll find that on Kacey's author page over on the mighty Amazon.

   I'll give you a different author bio. What she'd call the inside skinny. Kacey Vanderkarr can tap-dance. Her favourite colour is elephantine chartreuse.

   If she can't get hold of quintuple chocolate ice cream, she'll eat pink champagne on ice. (Drinking it is so passé, dahling.)

   Kacey is a founder member of the Yoghurtines. Most of the members died in a massive chocolanche at the Vlad Dracula Memorial Choco-Yoghurt Factory and Health-Spa in Outer Transylvania.

   If you must mention this in polite conversation, give her a moment to compose herself. She'll pretend she has to blow her nose, and reach for a pastel-shaded handkerchief. A passing train may blot out the sound of sobbing.

   Kacey is the author of Antithesis, which I told her to publish. (Or I'd chop her head off.) She does the Young Adult style of fictionalising. There aren't enough hours in night or day to tell you that she crams a lot into her nights and days.

I've just been interrupted by a knock at the digital door. My cue to leave. HERE'S A BOOK TRAILER.